Category: On Tap
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Learning to Love the Thing I Most Wish Had Not Happened
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I would erase it in a heartbeat – and I wouldn’t undo who I’ve become. This is the paradox I live inside of. The thing I most wish had never happened shaped me in ways I never asked for, ways I wouldn’t have chosen, ways that sometimes feel like betrayal.…
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A Quarter Mile at a Time
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“I live my life one quarter mile at a time. Nothing else matters: not the mortgage, not the store, not my team and all their bullshit. For those ten seconds or less, I’m free.” Vin Diesel, Fast & the Furious Call it recklessness if you’d like. I call it the…
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The Beauty in Regret
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We’re taught to treat regret like proof that we failed. Like a warning sign. Like evidence that we chose wrong. Like something to avoid at all costs. But somewhere along the way, I realized I’m far less afraid of regretting what I did than I am of regretting what I…
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Finding Comfort in the New
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Most people I know find comfort in the familiar. Their routines are sacred. Their favorite restaurants are non-negotiable. They want “the usual,” in life and in lattes. The known feels safe. The predictable feels calming. And I feel the opposite. Familiarity makes me a little restless. Sometimes a little anxious.…
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I Didn’t Mean to Change Careers
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My career pivot didn’t start with a plan, but with a life turned upside down. I didn’t mean to change careers. I just wanted to survive breast cancer, figure out how to live with Li-Fraumeni Syndrome (LFS), keep my kids alive (they also have LFS), and maybe stop waking up…
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Living with Chronic Uncertainty
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There are people who live by five-year plans. Color-coded calendars. Life goals with deadlines. I was never one of those people, so why is this so hard? I wasn’t the five-year-plan type.I didn’t have my life mapped out on vision boards or bullet journals. I made choices, took chances, and…
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The Power of Falling Apart
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It started with my heart racing—no, sprinting. My breath turned shallow, my hands shook, my thoughts blurred. I heard words but couldn’t understand them. My mouth moved, but nothing came out. I was trapped inside my own body, unable to make sense of what was happening. No matter how much…
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The Silver Lining of (the City of) Hope
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Moving across the country is stressful under the best of circumstances. Doing it in the midst of a cancer diagnosis and a life-changing genetic discovery? Overwhelming doesn’t even begin to cover it. When my family relocated from North Carolina to San Diego, I had no idea just how much this…
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Medical Specialist Speed Dating
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Being diagnosed with Li-Fraumeni Syndrome means re-entering the dating world – sort of. My medical tour around San Diego has evolved from a search for an oncology team to specialist speed dating, where finding the one(s) is less about romance and more about survival. It’s a whirlwind of rapid-fire Q&A,…
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BIRADS – what the hell is that?
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Overwhelmed by this looming cancer cloud I logged in to mychart to look at the radiologist’s notes from the mammogram and ultrasound the day before. “BIRADS Score – 4C – suspicious abnormality – very suspicious for malignancy – biopsy should be considered.” What the hell is a BIRADS score? What…